Funny Quotes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Let's have some new cliches.

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I can resist everything except temptation.