Funny Quotes

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

I never said most of the things I said.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.