Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Include me out.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.