The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.