Funny Quotes

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I have an unfortunate personality.