Funny Quotes

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

My life needs editing.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.