Funny Quotes

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Never floss with a stranger.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.