Funny Quotes

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Include me out.