Funny Quotes

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.