Funny Quotes

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.