Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.