If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.