I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I never said most of the things I said.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.