I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.