Funny Quotes

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Instant gratification takes too long.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.