Funny Quotes

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?