I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

Instant gratification takes too long.

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.