If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

My life needs editing.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.