Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.