W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I like children - fried.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.