Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Never floss with a stranger.